A Broken Woman
by Forwhateveritsworth
Summary: Kensi returns from Afghanistan a broken woman. She can't eat, she can't sleep and she can't stop the flashbacks from ruining her life. Even though she's back on US soil, she longs to feel safe and protected. One day she goes for a drive to clear her head and automatically finds herself parked up outside her safe place - Deeks' apartment.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: So I feel like maybe I was the only person who wanted Kensi to come back from Afghanistan (S5) a broken woman. We all know that as far as strong female characters go, Kensi is pretty badass, but I can't help that feel someone who was held captive and tortured by the Taliban would need a shoulder to cry on when they got home.**

**Well, I decided to fix that! This fic is rated M and mentions torture techniques and intimate Densi moments. It gets a bit gritty, don't say I didn't warn you.**

**Enjoy - reviews are very welcome!**

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It was 8 o'clock in the evening and Deeks couldn't stop thinking about Kensi. He knew she was tough - hell, she was easily ten times tougher than he was - but still, he just couldn't shake the image of her sobbing in his arms from his mind.

In a futile attempt to try and rationalise his worries about his partner, from the moment they'd landed back on US soil he'd told himself that she was trained to be brave, trained to be smart and trained be meticulously prepared for anything and everything.

But torture?

No, nothing in the world could prepare you for torture.

He so often thought back to his time in 'the chair'. He'd watched Sam get electrocuted over and over again. He'd smelled the hum of burning skin and saw the sweat drip from every pore on Sam's body. He'd heard him go through every ounce of pain to protect his wife - to protect the person he loves most in this whole world. And then, when they were done with Sam, they'd turned on him.

He'd kept his mouth shut, proverbially speaking anyway. He'd thought about how easy it would have been to tell his captors the truth, how with one word he could have made all the pain go away. But the thought of Kensi - her beautiful smile, her gorgeous laugh and her big doe-like eyes - those thoughts had kept him strong. If she were the one whose cover had been in question he would have died before he gave his torturers anything. He knew Sam would have done the same too, because not only are they all part of a fiercely loyal special ops team, but Deeks was also fairly certain they all suspected that Kensi was the person that _he _loved most in the world. If anyone had ever actually asked, he would've fiercely denied it but, to put it bluntly, he would have done absolutely anything to save her.

The big difference between their situations, however, was that he and Sam had been captured and tortured in LA. They'd had the luxury of knowing the best minds in the country were working on a plan to rescue them. Kensi? Kensi hadn't been as lucky. She'd had been kidnapped, tortured and held captive by the _fucking Taliban _for God's sake. She had been alone, vulnerable and scared. God knows what those men had done to her, she'd barely uttered a word since her rescue. From the moment he'd laid eyes on her back at base, he'd wanted to reach out and hold her, comfort her. He wanted to be there for her every second of every day for the rest of his life. He'd wanted so badly to be the guy she could run to, the guy with the shoulder she could cry on, the guy she could trust with all her deepest fears.

But he wasn't that guy. Not yet anyway.

Since they'd been back in LA, Deeks had barely seen her. They'd spoken on the phone a few times, working their way awkwardly through long, stretching silences and mundane small talk. How he wished he could talk to her about the things he desperately wanted to. How he wished they didn't need to keep avoiding the 2 glaringly obvious elephants in the room: Kensi's time in country and their 'thing'. He knew he couldn't push her, he knew that if he bought either of those topics up when the timing was all wrong, it could jeopardise everything they had built up together over the last 5 years. Not to mention that Kensi hadn't always been alone; she'd been held captive with her ex fiancé. That was another topic of conversation Deeks knew they'd one day have to have, but was happy to put off for as long as possible. Not that he felt jealous or insecure or anything, not that he'd ever admit anyway, but it was certainly a conversation he wasn't particularly looking forward to having.

Eventually, however, they'd have to talk. One day they'd have to discuss all the unsaid things between them.

But for now? For now he waited. He waited patiently for the girl who stole his heart long ago to remember that he was there, he was _always _there. He just hoped that she'd remember sooner rather than later because he was missing her like a hole in the head and it was tearing him apart being away from her for so long.

X-X-X

It used to be that every time her name popped up on his phone, he'd smile to himself. Now though, when his phone rang or a message from her appeared, his heart ached with sadness. She'd taken to turning their casual conversations into dark, twisted analogies, like the time she'd texted him: "_When I'm back at work, I want cronuts okay? I thought I hated them but it turns out being tortured by the Taliban makes you miss American cuisine"._ He'd sent back something light-hearted, something about pastry babies and offered to talk, but as usual he was met with, "_No need, Deeks. Honestly, I'm fine!"_

Kensi was anything but fine and he knew it, but without her voluntarily opening up to him, there was nothing he could do. He'd learnt a long time ago that you do _not _push Kensi Blye into discussing something she does not want to discuss, no matter how important it is.

He wished he could help her, just like she had helped him. Since she'd been home he'd realised how hard it must have been for her when he'd shut her out. She'd constantly tried to call him, tried to visit him and tried to make sure he knew she was there if he needed her.

Perhaps he should be trying harder to be there for her. Yes, Kensi was headstrong and stubborn, but she was still human. He'd ignored hundreds of her calls when he was off work recovering but he never begrudged a single one. She was there and she never stopped letting him know. She didn't wait around just hoping that one day he'd pick up the phone and spill his guts out to her. She was proactive and she never stopped letting him know that she was there when he was ready for her to be. Ultimately, it was her actions that had saved him. She needed him too, even if she'd never admit it.

As he lay on his couch running the same old Kensi related scenarios through his mind, he smiled at the thought that popped into his head. _What would Kensi do if she were me? _Deeks stood abruptly and searched his coffee table for his phone and the keys to his truck. He knew what he needed to do, he knew exactly what she would be doing if the tables were reversed. It was time for him to repay the favour and there's no way he could stand by and wait any longer. Kensi needed him, whether she knew it or not.

X-X-X

He opened the front door of his apartment purposefully but hastily took a step back when he saw her standing there. Her hand was raised like she was about to knock and her wide, mismatched eyes were puffy and bloodshot. Kensi stood, trauma etched across her face and let out a small croak, her voice sounding alien to them both. "Deeks, I-"

She sniffled and opened her mouth to continue, but no words came out. In an instant Deeks was wrapped around her, cradling her head and whispering comforting words into her hair. "Kens, it's okay, I'm here. You're going to be okay, alright? Kensi, listen to me: you're home and you're safe, no one can hurt you now. I'm here, Kens. Kensi? You're safe." He whispered variations of his mantra over and over, breathing in the scent of her hair while she silently sobbed. He cried too, tears slipped down his cheeks as his heart broke for her with each ripple of fear that erupted through her delicate body. Every time another tidal wave of emotion came, he held her tighter, willing the pain to take him instead.

Seeing her like this, it was insane. He never thought he'd see Kensi this broken, this afraid. It's not that he didn't think she was capable of feeling fear, but it was more the fact that he was surprised she'd willingly let him see it. In that moment, with her crying in his arms, he'd have given anything to take the pain away. He'd willingly sit right back in that chair and face his own fears all over again if it meant that he'd never have to see Kensi like this. However much he wished that was possible, he knew it wasn't an option. Kensi may be back in America, but it was painfully clear that every moment she spent inside her own head was spent back in Afghanistan.

Eventually, he gently eased her away from his body and lowered his face so it was level with hers. His t-shirt was wet through and her face was blotchy and tear stained. With a sorrow filled sigh, he lifted her chin and gave her a gentle kiss on the forehead. This gesture of affection wasn't usually something that was allowed between them; he was usually on guard, keeping his love for Kensi locked deep down inside, but seeing her like this... it was breaking him. He didn't care if it wasn't allowed, he brushed back a stray strand of hair and as he took her hand, she laced her fingers with his and followed him inside.

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**More chapters to come and I'd really appreciate some reviews as I'm planning on making this one a little longer than my other fics! **


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thanks for all the favourites and follows already, it means a lot to me! **

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Kensi followed her partner into his apartment silently. The smell of his home and the familiar sight of his worldly belongings bought her comfort and helped to wash away some of the embarrassment she was feeling after openly crying on his shoulder. She was fairly sure he'd seen her cry before and she was certain she'd seen him cry once or twice too, but this was different. This was alarmingly personal and she wasn't entirely sure yet just how much of herself she was willing to let him see.

Deeks came to a stop awkwardly in the middle of his living room and turned to look at her. Now that she was opposite him, he could better take in her gaunt facial features and notice the bagginess of her clothes. She was still Kensi, still his beautiful, witty partner, but her appearance was a far cry from the usual tough-girl he was used to seeing. He suppressed the gasp that grew in his throat, knowing full well that the last thing Kensi wanted or needed right now was to think that he felt sorry for her.

Keeping his expression as neutral as possible, he gently broke the silence. "Hey Kens, do you want to talk?"

She was looking up at him, her sad, wide eyes seemingly boring into his soul as he desperately fought the urge to pull her into him and keep her safely in his arms forever. He registered the loss of physical contact as Kensi sniffled and removed her hand from his, inelegantly using the back of her hoodie sleeve to wipe her nose.

She had no idea what to say to him. She was tired. So very, very tired and she wanted more than anything to let down her guard and for once just let him in. He could hold her, protect her and keep her safe and she knew it. But he scared her almost as much as the nightmares did. It was a different type of fear, but the dread and anxiety that crept through her body whenever she thought about losing him paralysed her. There was no way she could risk their partnership. They had a thing, there were feelings between them but did that mean it was worth the risk of losing everything they had? She'd made up her mind long ago that she'd rather live the rest of her life burying her feelings deep down inside her if it meant she could stay by his side.

She shook her head and ran her hands through her hair as the thought of being alone again started to niggle away at the back of her brain. With a big sigh she looked up into his concerned eyes and let out a small croak that sounded alien to both of them. "I - I'm just so tired, Deeks." Her admission of weakness made her feel ashamed and embarrassed, and as much as she willed herself to try, she couldn't keep his eye contact any longer. She was meant to be tougher than this, what the hell was she thinking coming here and letting him see her in this state?

The sound of her broken voice made his gut churn and the self control needed to keep himself to himself was getting harder to fight. He waited for a second, wondering if she'd continue trying to speak to him but it looked as though she was done with talking. There was a moment of hesitation as he lifted his hand slightly, his heart getting ahead of his brain, before he decided to go with his gut and tentatively lift his hand to her face. He gently brushed away a strand of hair, placing it delicately behind her ear and then he slowly pulled her chin up so he could look into her molten chocolate eyes. The look she was giving him was melting his heart and it was all he could do to stop himself scooping her up into his arms in a bid to protect her from the world. She'd gone through enough in life already, she didn't need to be constantly living inside a world of fear that her own body was creating.

"Hey, don't do that." he spoke in barely a whisper in response to her insecurity. "It's okay, you don't need to hide from me." She gazed wide eyed as he continued to speak, willing herself to believe that what he was saying was true. She tried to force herself to remember that the level of trust between them was unrivaled by any friendship or relationship she'd ever had. She knew deep down that the man in front of her was the only person on the planet she could ever truly be herself around. But right now, with a dull ache in her heart, the heaviness of her limbs and the searing pain that was shooting through her skull, she was finding it so hard to believe in anything, even Deeks.

She searched her mind for something mean she could say that would ruin the moment between them. That was what she did during times like this. Whenever he got too close to giving her exactly what she wanted, she'd put him back in his place with either her cutting words or a well aimed punch. Her mind was sluggish today though and too busy trying to piece together an explanation and appropriate reaction to their current situation. She'd bought herself to him, she'd cried, she'd laced her fingers with his and she'd followed him inside. Now that he was showing her kindness and compassion, two things she oh so desperately wanted and needed, she was once again fighting the urge to run away from her feelings. Kensi knew that her pride was her biggest downfall, and as much as she wished it were different, sometimes her unsolicited put-downs were the only things that kept her from falling down the Deeks shaped rabbit hole that her heart so often pushed her towards.

In the end however, she drew a blank. Nothing came to her - no excuses, no words of malice and no attempt to run away. Instead, she stood inches away from him and let the gentle kindness that only Deeks was capable of offering wash over her.

His hand lingered and the warmth of his skin against her face was clouding her senses even more. She could feel herself weakening, giving into his touch and perhaps even allowing him to be the person to see her fall. Maybe just this once, sharing the pain with someone else might not be such a bad thing. After all, if you know you're going to fall, it's a good idea to have someone nearby who you trust enough to pick you back up again. That look - the worry in his eyes that he was trying to mask - that was the look that helped her make up her mind.

"Can I - I mean, if it's okay - can I sleep here tonight?" Kensi asked in the smallest of voices.

Her request took him by surprise and it briefly showed in his eyes before he quickly recovered and forced his features to return to a neutral expressionl. "Of course you can, Kensi. I'm here for you any time, rain or shine -" he reassured her, "- though, this is LA, so it's most likely going to be 'shine'." He grinned, hoping to elicit some sort of reaction from his partner. He was rewarded with the slightest curl of her lips as she found a split second of respite in his words, and even though it was tiny, her reaction made his stomach flutter wildly.

He remembered how broken he'd felt after Sidorov had finished with him. It wasn't the physical pain that tormented him day and night, but the mental. It was like every fear he'd ever known, and then some he didn't even realise existed, were plaguing him relentlessly and nothing could help him put them to rest. Nothing, expect Kensi.

He respected the woman in front of him more than he respected any other person in the world. It was that respect that made him decide that whoever Kensi Blye needed him to be, he would be, for as long as it took for her to get better. He'd fought his heart for years now, he'd buried his love deep down inside and, on the odd occasion where his true feelings had accidentally slipped out, she'd remained loyally by his side without reprimanding him. He thought as he looked into her chocolate eyes that he might well be irretrievably in love with his partner, he might desperately want nothing more than to tell her that she meant everything to him, but right now - right now he needed to be there for her in whatever capacity was best for her. After all, what was another few years of unrequited love if it meant he got to see her beaming smile and doe-like eyes every day?

Taking her hand, he guided her quietly to the bedroom, trying not to think about the last time she had been there. The night before she'd left.He'd thought about that night every single time he'd climbed into bed. Selfishly he'd caught himself wishing they'd gone back to Kensi's apartment instead of his after their failed date at the restaurant. At least that way when she wasn't here, he wouldn't have been constantly reminded of her absence. But he also had the cherished memory of witnessing her sprawled across his bed, sated and content, sleeping peacefully. It had been the closest either of them had come to letting their 'thing' exist and he'd hold onto that memory forever, even if that's all it ever remained - just a distant memory.

He nudged open the door with his foot and lead her inside. It was dark in his room, he hadn't bothered opening the curtains this morning and it was already nearly 9pm. Kensi could see from the dim light in the hallway that his room was significantly less tidy than it was last time she was there. She wondered briefly if that meant he tidied up especially for her? But then she remembered he was a particularly house proud man and she was probably just getting ahead of herself. If that was the case though, if he did make sure everything was in order just in case she decided to pop in unannounced, well that was freaking adorable. Another tiny curl of her lips formed at the thought and Deeks turned around to face her just in time to catch it.

"Whatcha smiling about, Princess?" He beamed, pleased to see her looking a little happier.

She shook her head, trying to shake away the thoughts of her partner being ridiculously cute. Now was not the time to be thinking such things, especially as she wouldn't have a clue how to start phrasing such a thought in a way that wouldn't give away her admiration for him. "Nothing, just, erm, your bed looks comfy." She replied meekly, not sounding convincing to either of them.

"Uh-huh." replied Deeks with a raised eyebrow, but he decided not to push it. He stretched his hand out towards his bed. "It's all yours, m'lady." He said in a British accent, topping the gesture off with a slight bow in her direction. This time her smile was broad and would have almost constituted as a grin if it weren't for the sorrow that still lingered in her eyes.

"Why thank you, sir." She replied, feeling the familiar spark of electricity ripple through her as she replied to her partner.

"Oh, I like it when you call me that." He grinned wickedly, a mischievous twinkle visible in his eye despite the low level of light in the room.

Kensi let out a chuckle and then, as she realised what was happening, stopped abruptly. Deeks' grin quickly faded as he studied her face nervously, wondering what was causing the conflict that was distorting her features. "Kens?" he ventured coyly, not wanting to startle her.

She looked at him, shock written all over her face and his stomach dropped in anticipation. Had he taken it too far? Was it too soon for that sort of flirtatious comment? Christ, Deeks, she was captured by the Taliban and tortured alongside her ex fiancé, of course its too fucking soon. He cursed at himself, feeling ashamed and angry that he'd let his reply slip out before thinking it through.

"Jesus, Kensi, I'm sorry. That was a stupid thing to say - I was just…" He trailed off, lost for words and feeling helpless as the knot in his stomach tightened.

"No!" She almost shouted when she saw the look of horror flash across his face. It was the loudest she'd been all evening, it was probably the loudest her voice had been since returning to America and it took them both a little by surprise. Deeks searched her eyes for some form of forgiveness or explanation and after taking a moment to gather her thoughts, she gave it to him.

"No, don't apologise please. You have nothing to apologise for." she stated, more quietly this time.

She studied his face with interest, he looked like a cross between a wounded puppy and a child who'd just been told off for eating too many sweets. It was too much to take in, just one tiny micro expression from her had sent him spiralling into panic and worry. She felt guilty and tried to form the words to explain her reaction in a way that wouldn't upset him more.

She stared at the floor between them, embarrassment creeping in once more as she prepared to admit something painful to her partner. "Please don't apologise, Deeks. It was nice, I liked it, it felt normal." She started, pumping herself up to finish her confession. "Actually, it was more than nice, I've missed it. That was, erm… Well I'm pretty sure that was the first time I've laughed since I've been home." She finished, eyes fixed on the small stretch of carpet between them. A gasp escaped Deeks' lips before he could stop it and the urge to hold her burned in his heart like fire. Instead, he stood motionless, almost in shock, before he eventually called her name softly.

"Kens..."

She hesitated, unable to look into his eyes, scared of the pity she might find there.

"Kensi." He tried again, this time firmer and louder. She looked up at him through her lashes and he worked hard to keep his face as neutral as possible. "I'm glad I could be of service." He said with what he hoped was a reassuring smile. She said nothing but nodded slowly, relieved that he was keeping his emotions in check even if she wasn't able to control hers in quite the same way.

"Let's get you into bed." He commented at last, deciding a change in topic and some sleep would help smooth things over. She nodded in agreement and followed him as he walked further into the room. He busied himself by plumping up the pillows, moving the covers down and scooting discarded laundry from earlier in the day to the other side of the bed. She gratefully kicked her shoes off and curled up on the mattress like a cat, closing her eyes while he held the covers for her, tucking her in once she was comfy. For a brief second she seemed content, but then her brow furrowed and her hand flew behind her, aimlessly groping around the sheets. After a second or two, she found what she was looking for and bought one of Deeks' t shirts to her face, smiling into the familiar smelling fabric.

Deeks stared open mouthed but said nothing. He couldn't quite believe what he was seeing but there was no way in hell he was going to comment on it. Kensi Blye is in my bed cuddling my t shirt. He thought to himself as he stood rooted to the spot, afraid that if he moved, he'd ruin the moment. Kensi. Bed. Shirt. Woah.

He was snapped out of his daydream like state by Kensi's sleepy voice. "Aren't you going to join me?"

"I - er - what?" Was all Deeks managed to splutter into the darkness.

"Come to bed, it's late." She replied simply, as if him climbing into bed with her was the most natural thing in the world.

"Kens, I appreciate the offer… I think." He screwed his face up and cringed at his words, thankful that Kensi's eyes were still closed and she didn't have to see his expression. "But I can take the couch, it's fine. You rest up." He finished as he started to leave. He'd walked the few paces back towards the door before he heard her small voice permeate the darkness.

"Please, Deeks?"

She sounded pleading and the knot in his stomach tightened at the juxtaposed sound of his voice being spoken in such a fragile way by such a strong woman. Who was he to refuse her request? He tried one last time, worried that her head wasn't in the right place to make this call without there being serious repercussions when she next woke up.

"Kens, really, I - "

"Deeeeeeeks." She pleaded once more before he even had the chance to finish his sentence. The desperation in her voice was unmistakable and so, finally, he gave in.

He kicked his shoes off next to hers and made his way around to the other side of the bed. He threw the remaining items of clothing to the other side of the room and she felt the mattress dip as he slipped in behind her. Kensi waited with bated breath but Deeks remained statue still as he lay on his back beside her, staring at the ceiling in an effort to calm his nerves. Being in bed together was hardly a new scenario, they'd slept together both platonically and sexually but the anxious energy that filled the room was inescapable. Both knew that one wrong move could ruin the moment, or worse, their partnership.

With a sigh, Kensi gave in first and rolled herself over to face Deeks. Her face was inches from his neck and he felt her hot breath on his skin when she whispered his name. His heart quickened at the sweet sensation of his partner sleepily whispering his name into the sensitive area of skin and a shiver ran down his spine. He stared at the ceiling, willing his body to not react. "Deeks." she whispered again and this time he was unable to ignore her. He shifted his face towards her, their lips now only inches apart.

"Yeah?" He breathed, while trying to memorise every feature of her face from this new close up angle.

"Thank you." she whispered.

Deeks' muscles eventually began to relax as Kensi snuggled down into his neck, bringing her arm to rest on his chest. He contemplated the fragility of their complex partnership as he watched the rise and fall of her body and felt her slow, steady breath on his neck. He wondered if they'd ever be more than this. If they'd ever both be in the right mindset at the right time, or if he was doomed to spend the rest of his days pining after a woman who was always just out of reach, metaphorically anyway.

His arm was starting to go numb from the awkward way it rested between them and at some point he decided to shuffle it from underneath her and rest it above his head. She moaned in protest at the movement and lifted her head slightly, lazily murmuring something about human pillows. Deeks responded with a low chuckle and gave into her sleepy demand by snaking his arm beneath her head, fighting the urge to trace feather light patterns on the nape of her neck.

She responded with a sigh and even though Deeks was sure she was still asleep, she wiggled closer to him, closing the gap between them.

With his body heat radiating and the steady beat of his heart beat beneath her hand, Kensi finally drifted into the first full night's sleep she'd had in months.

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**A/N: I wrote this chapter 3 times before I was happy with it, so I hope you enjoy it! Let me know what you think, I love reading your reviews! **


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Okay so this chapter contains references to torture. Originally it was a lot more graphic, but I dumbed it down a little as it was just getting a bit too hardcore. But don't say I didn't warn you.**

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Kensi woke to find herself alone in her partner's bed. The early morning sunlight crept through the gaps in the curtains casting dancing patterns on the cosy bed sheets. For a moment she was unsure what had woken her, but as her eyes adjusted to her surroundings and the grogginess in her head faded, she suddenly realised that her stomach was growling loudly. Something smelt good, _really _good.

For months now every time she'd attempted to eat anything which had vaguely resembled an actual meal, her stomach had immediately rejected the notion. For the most part she found herself snacking on tiny morsels of food here and there, just for survival's sake. But the smell that wafted through the tiny gap beneath the doorway had awakened a flame inside her. Her stomach rumbled again as she hauled herself out from underneath the sheets and padded towards the intoxicating aroma.

As she headed towards the bedroom door she could hear Deeks pottering around in the kitchen, clinking and clunking with what sounded like plates and cutlery. She assumed he must be setting the table for breakfast, but heavens knows what he was serving this early in the morning. She'd become quite accustomed to watching the sun rise over the past few months and she was fairly sure it couldn't have been any later than 7 o'clock. _When did he get up? _She pondered, surprised that he managed to escape without waking her.

As she reached for the door handle, a wave of nervousness swept through her. The memories of the previous night's events came to mind - the crying, the helplessness, the whole 'begging her partner to come to bed' thing. She groaned at the memory of appearing so weak in front of him, but equally she had to admit that if it wasn't for him, there's no way she'd have gotten any sleep last night. As much as she wished it wasn't true, having Deeks by her side was already starting to have a hugely positive effect on her. Her neck began to flush a delicate pink as she wondered what life would be like if he were _always _at her side. What could they accomplish together if they were a team both inside and outside of work? Quashing the thought back down, she took a deep breath and composed herself before pulling open the door and heading towards the kitchen.

She didn't get very far though as, at the sound of the bedroom door opening, a familiar bark sounded and Monty came lolloping along the corridor, jumping to greet her. Kensi bent forward so the scruffy dog could better reach her face and screwed her features up as he plastered her with smelly doggy kisses. It wasn't long before she'd surrendered to his affection and was sat wrestling with her canine buddy on the floor, laughing freely as he attacked her with even more doggy kisses. "I missed you too, buddy. Yes I did, Momma missed you too." She cooed, ruffling Monty's fur wildly as he continued his attack of love.

Deeks listened from the kitchen and grinned widely to himself as the light jangle of her laugh drifted through his apartment. His heart swelled at the sound of his partner happily playing with his faithful companion - and the choice of wording she used - _woah. _Kensi Blye referring to herself as a mother...now that conjured up some very interesting images. For a second he found himself wondering what life could be like if only they could just get it right.

Kensi playing with Monty...breakfasts in bed...sunset walks along the beach...tiny ninja assassins...birthday parties...wedding bells…

_Yeah, right. A guy can dream. _

He banished the thoughts as he heard her light footsteps approaching. "Good morning, Sugar Bear!" He called cheerily without looking up from the frying pan in front of him. "How'd you sleep?" He heard her shift and lean against the doorway and when he looked up, he was relieved to see that she had a lot more colour to her face today.

"Good morning, Marty." She replied, watching him cook from her perch in the doorway.

"Oh Kensilina! With you being gone for so long, it's been a while since anyone's called me that!" He flashed her a winning smile, the one where his eyes twinkle and the butterflies in Kensi's stomach threaten to start a riot. She couldn't help the smirk that danced on her lips as she spoke before thinking about the consequences.

"Well it's nice to know that no one's managed to replace me yet."

He looked up through his scruffy curls and and fought the urge to bite his bottom lip. Kensi wasn't sure what his eyes were saying, but if she were to hazard a guess, she'd say that he was giving her a look of pure longing. That's what she hoped it meant anyway as she struggled to hold his gaze.

"No one could ever replace you, Kensi." He said softly.

A tiny smile broke out across her lips and as much as she tried to hide it, she knew that her ever observant partner would have seen it immediately. Deciding that a change of topic was the only way to escape her feelings of self-consciousness, she turned her attention to the food that lay before them.

"What's all this?" She asked, waving her hand around in the general direction of Deeks' breakfast table. It was laid out with plates, glasses and coffee cups; the dishes were piled high with buttery pastries, breakfast burritos, colourful doughnuts and fruits. The sheer sight of so much food in one place made her stomach rumble. It was apparent that her body had _really _missed food. Deeks laughed at the sound of her hunger and finally spun around to face her properly, brandishing a red hot frying pan dangerously close to her face as he did so. Her eyes grew wide and a grin spread across her face as she registered what he was holding out in front of her. "Breakfast frittatas?" She beamed.

"Only the best for you, Princess! I told you that I was going to give you the full 5 star Marty Deeks treatment."

"And what exactly did I do to deserve all of this?" She asked, waving her hands in the direction of the food once more.

He turned away and busied himself, dividing the frittata and scooping it onto plate before slowly replying, handing her the breakfast. "Nothing much…except from disappearing from my life for 5 months and worrying me sick every single day." He faced away from her but she caught the scowl on his face and she wrinkled her nose up in response.

"I'm back now though…" She replied tentatively.

"Yeah, you are." He agreed. "It doesn't mean I don't care though. I want to be here, I want to help you the way you helped me, Kens. You know, I - well, I spent the whole time thinking that Hetty had sent you away because of _me_. Because of the way I fee-" He stopped himself mid sentence and studied her face closely before shaking his head. Adopting a different tactic, he continued. "Anyway, Hetty, she sent you away and then we got word that you were missing... and I - I got that photo…" He heard his own voice crack as the image of Kensi lying in a pool of blood flooded his senses. "I just…" He trailed off, brow furrowed, deep in thought.

Kensi stood silently, watching his face closely. _If only he knew… _She thought, conjuring memories of her time in country. But then her face softened as she remembered what Sam and Callen had told her. Deeks didn't know that she knew, but she did. They'd told her about his interrogation techniques - the type of techniques that aren't technically legal in the US military - the type of techniques that a person only really uses when they are desperate for information. At first she was shocked, maybe even sickened, but as the two senior agents continued to tell her about the guilt that he'd immediately felt, well that had pulled at her heart strings.

Deeks pulled himself together with a shake of his head and heavy sigh. When he drew his body back to it's full height and turned to face her again, he was flaunting a charismatic smile that could have fooled absolutely anyone, anyone that is, except Kensi.

"Anyway, enough of that! Are we going to stand here all day, or are we going to eat? I scoured LA for her finest breakfast treats, especially for you Sugar Bear, so let's dig in!"

Kensi didn't need to be asked twice. She was more than grateful for the change of subject, but she was also feeling ravenous. Having a 'moment' with Deeks was always nerve racking, but the waft of all the delicious food he'd sourced for her had served as a big distraction. The sooner she ate, the sooner she could attempt to talk.

They spent the next thirty minutes eating in silence. Kensi inhaled as many sugary breakfast treats as she could and moaned in appreciation when she took her first forkful of Deek's special breakfast frittata. _Tastes like home _she thought to herself and she couldn't help but smiled up at Deeks. "You like?" He asked in response, genuinely feeling pretty pleased with himself. So far he'd managed to get Kensi to sleep _and_ eat properly. That was quite the accomplishment.

"I like." She confirmed, nodding vigorously between mouthfuls. "I've missed Marty's Magic Breakfasts." The pair laughed and Kensi was sure she could see a hint of crimson flash across his cheeks briefly. But then he was gazing at her with those big blue eyes again and in a in a soft voice, he mumbled, "I missed you too, Kens."

Kensi's gut churned with the way he said her name. It may have been nothing more than a quiet mumble, but it was thick with raw honesty. She contemplated her situation, how was it that he could let out displays of affection like this, even though he knew it made him vulnerable. Why did she struggle so much to let him in? She decided right there and then that she couldn't hold out on him any longer. Well, not completely anyway. It was time to talk.

She placed her fork down on the table and sucked in a deep breath, psyching herself up. She shifted in her seat slightly so that she was facing him and when she opened her mouth, the words tumbled out evenly and tonelessly at first as she forced herself to remain detached from her emotions.

"When I was in Afghanistan, I wasn't always alone. Before Jack, there were others." She started, finding a spot on his chest to stare at while she spoke. "They captured two kids, girls, orphans I assume…not long after they found me. I don't know what they had done or why they were there but they were so young and so scared." She paused briefly to gather her thoughts, glancing quickly at his face before immediately wishing she hadn't. Whatever was written there - pity, horror, sadness… It wasn't helping. With another deep intake of air, she fixed her gaze steadily on his chest once more and continued. "They weren't there for long. They must have been 9 or 10 years old…they were just as scared of me as they were of the men."

"Kens…" Deeks lent forward and took her hand in his, squeezing gently. "You don't have to do this…"

Tears started to well and she knew that she did. "Deeks, these girls... No one knows they even existed. No one knows what happened to them. No one except me. _Someone _needs to know. _Someone _has to tell their story - they deserve that much." Determination gripped her features and she continued to recount the horrific events from the cave.

"The were scared, obviously, and they cried. A lot. They cried and cried and I couldn't help them, I couldn't comfort them. I tried… I tried so hard to tell them that it was okay, that everything would be fine but they didn't understand and I didn't know how to talk to them. My pashto isn't as good as Sam and Callen's and I couldn't communicate properly with them. They just sobbed in each other's arms and I listened - it's all I heard for two whole days. Just the constant sobs of two young girls who had been bound, beaten and chained up in a dark, dirty cave."

"That sounds awful, Kensi. But you did what you could, you know that. _I _know that. We all know that you did everything in your power..." Deeks felt hopeless. He was pleased that she was finally opening up about her time in Afghanistan, but seeing her relive heart breaking and harrowing experiences wasn't his idea of fun. He knew just how much something like this could tear people apart, even the strongest and bravest of people.

"They killed them, Deeks." Her desperate eyes found his and the tears started to spill violently as the heavy grief washed over her. "They killed them in front of me. One by one. They were looking right at me. I couldn't save them. I begged, I pleaded. They - they wouldn't take me instead. I told them to kill me; I _begged _them to kill me instead but… The screams… the blood…" she choked on her words as she struggled to get enough air into her lungs between the violent sobs that racked her body.

"I begged them to kill me instead…"

* * *

**A/N: Poor Kensilina! I can't tell you how much research into the Taliban I have done for this fic and I have the next few chapters planned out. I'm sorry, but Kensi still has some way to go... Reviews are seriously welcome, I don't want to beg but I'd love to know what you guys make of this type of story. **


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Hi guys! I'm back with another chapter. The notes at the end explain a bit of detail about why this chapter took this turn instead of getting a bit grittier. Happy reading.**

Deeks closed the gap between them without even thinking about it. Once again he found himself hugging Kensi to his chest as tightly as he could, guiding them both onto the safety of the hard floor beneath. Kensi's flimsy frame trembled with grief for the girls, but also with the sheer relief of having _finally_ shared her experience with someone. Deeks looked heavenward as, for the second time in 48 hours, his heart broke for his partner.

"Kens…" It was all he managed to say and it came out as a feeble whisper, barely audible. What was the point of speaking? Nothing he could ever say would be able to take away her pain. He settled with giving her what he hoped was a gentle, reassuring squeeze, letting a lone tear fall down his face. Kensi, _his Kensi_...she was hurting and he would do anything in his power to make her feel better again.

They stayed on the floor for a long time; neither breaking the silence and neither pulling away from the other's embrace. Kensi found herself focusing on the rise and fall of Deeks' chest as she leant against it, listening to the soothing beat of his heart. The predictability and steadiness of it comforted her more than she'd have ever imagined. They'd been close before, hell, they slept in the same bed just last night, but this embrace felt different somehow. It felt _solid_. Natural. Above all else, it felt safe. Kensi found herself melting into the contours of her partner's body, his muscular arms holding her guardedly.

She wondered: is this what peace feels like? Or at least, as close to peace as a person could get while still _being human_? Kensi didn't believe that human beings could ever be one hundred percent content with life, not after all the pain and suffering she had seen. A part of her knew that there was a bit of bad in everyone and that people will never be content with what they've got. But...maybe there was a chance. You know, if you got really lucky in life. Maybe you could get pretty close; you just needed the right people, the right time and the right place.

After everything that happened to her in country - all the anguish, torture, mental and physical exhaustion - she never thought she'd feel such weightlessness. A warmth was fizzing through her skin, tingling at her fingers and toes. If she were made to describe it, she'd say it was somewhat ethereal. Her goofy, annoying, smug, childish, idiot of a partner was bestowing this bliss onto her without even realising it. Sometimes when she looked at him and saw the twinkle in his eye, it was hard to remember the torment he'd been through. He was happy...apparently all the time. He was never afraid to give, be open, or share. She'd admired him for years because of his good natured personality and fantasised so many times about what it would be like to be on the receiving end of that forever.

A piercing noise shattered her fantasising, and consequently, the unsanctioned intimacy between them. It took a second for Deeks to come round to his senses. The pressure of Kensi's body against his and was memorising. She felt like home. Like everything he'd spent his life trying to run from or hide from would disappear as long as she was near. A stab of guilt pierced his gut as he stirred from his daydream. Yes, having Kensi in his arms was pure bliss, but he'd do anything to take away the cause of the moment.

Reluctantly, he made to move away, delicately unwinding Kensi's slender arms from his torso. He lifted her chin so he could speak to her and noticed that her eyes, although blood shot and puffy, were dry. He spoke softly, concern for his partner and friend still at the forefront of his mind. He was unable to break the silence without nervously drawing attention away from their embrace.

"Annnnd that would be my phone…I'll bet you five bucks it's Hetty. She's probably calling to say something incredibly cryptic and disturbing." He winked as he stood, letting Kensi's hands slide through his with one last little squeeze, before turning to locate his screeching cell phone. She grinned at what she thought was an extremely accurate description of Deeks' impending phone call.

Deeks had a magical way with people, she knew that. Men wanted to be him, women wanted to be with him. He could smooth talk himself into or out of many situations - she'd seen it happen - but as he watched him walk towards the kitchen, she realised that to her, he was everything. No one could know him, feel him, understand him, or love him like her. He was the ying to her yang and it was about time she accepted that fact.

X-X-X

"Hello, Mr Deeks. How are you on this gloriously sunny day?" Enquired Hetty politely. Deeks was immediately thrown off guard by his boss' polite tone and stumbled over his words as he replied.

"Er isn't it always gloriously sunny? We are in LA." Pointed Deeks out nervously before racing through the brief answer to her question, stating everything was fine and dandy.

"Interesting, very interesting. I'm glad to hear that. And…how is Miss Blye?"

Silence.

"Mr Deeks?"

"I erm, she…" Deeks panicked slightly as a whole series of scenarios ran through his brain at the speed of light. He turned to face Kensi, who was slumped against the wall, still on the floor. She looked up at him, eyes wide, reading the panic on his face.

"How did you…?" Began Deeks, stuttering the words out.

"Mr Deeks, it is my job to know where all my agents are and ensure that they are safe and well." Pointed out Hetty.

There was another silence from both ends that seemed to stretch on for an uncomfortable amount of time. Deeks caved first and, with a sigh, muttered something about Kensi also being fine.

"Fine isn't a word I'd use to describe my mental condition if I had experienced what Miss Blye has been through."

Rage boiled in the pit of his stomach while he tried to remain as diplomatic as possible. He was sorely tempted to point out the fact that if it hadn't been for Hetty, Kensi's 'mental condition' would be just as stable as always.

"She's doing okay, she came over last night to talk. She was pretty upset and…"

Deeks was interrupted again. "Last night?"

"I er, yes. Last night. We spoke briefly, I think she will be okay, Hetty. You know Kensi, she's a little go-getter, isn't she? A real fighter."

"Indeed, Mr Deeks." Agreed Hetty, and he could almost picture her nodding from her office in Ops. "And Miss Blye, she stayed with you?"

"Well, she…" Deeks looked back at Kensi, trying to figure out how best to answer.

"A simple yes will do, Mr Deeks. I don't need to know anything further. Please ensure you give Miss Blye my regards. Oh, and Mr Deeks?"

"Yes?"

Hetty's voice was soft as she spoke. "Please take good care of her."

He couldn't be sure but it seemed to him like there was a hint of acceptance in Hetty's voice. Maybe even a blessing.

The phone line went dead and he stared across the apartment to the girl who was slumped against his wall. She was a real mess, but my word, she was the most beautiful woman in the world to him.

"For as long as I live." He whispered.

**A/N: I am so sorry this has taken so long to get going again. I re-read the previous chapters and panicked that I'd never be able to finish this story and do it real justice. For this, I'm sorry. I found that this subject was a lot harder to explore and then put into words than I imagined. Kensi's pain and grief is so strong and I know that you guys all empathised with her, but I found that writing it became almost repetitive, which detracted from the whole plot really. I hope that the direction this went in will still please you lot...It opens up the possibility to some more M content further down the line...maybe. As always, please let me know what you think! **


	5. Chapter 5

Kensi could feel his eyes on her as he put the phone down on the kitchen counter. She'd only heard Deeks' side of the conversation, but it was clear that Hetty knew Kensi was here _and _that she'd stayed the night. How does she always know everything? She loved the woman like a mother, but that didn't mean she wasn't creeped out by her apparent psychic abilities; especially when Kensi had been keeping such a low profile since returning to LA. She shouldn't be surprised, she supposed, but it did make her wonder what life would be like if her and Deeks ever did take their 'thing' further.

With a pang of embarrassment, she pulled herself to her feet and made her way towards Deeks' bathroom. She closed the door gently behind her, sighing as she willingly left the world of safety her partner had created for her back there. Now she was alone; just her and her thoughts. She hauled herself over to the mirror and stared back at the person in front of her. She was almost unidentifiable and the revelation hit Kensi like a punch to the face. Sure, she had seen herself in her own mirror at home and she knew she wasn't looking her best, but when she gaped at her reflection, she saw what everyone else saw - what Deeks saw.

Her hair was wild and matted and her eyes bloodshot and puffy. She noticed for the first time that her lips were chapped, painfully so, and her skin had taken on a translucent grey hue, not too dissimilar to that of a cadaver. She stared critically, mentally listing the factors that made her almost unrecognisable when, without warning, white hot horror gripped her chest.

The reflection twisted and skewed before her, presenting a lifeless, hollow shell who's unblinking eyes stared right back at her. The mirrored version of Kensi had hair splayed across the floor, blood covering her ashen skin and a mouth that manifested an endless tortured scream. Cold black eyes bored into Kensi's own bloodshot ones and she felt the familiar rush of adrenaline fizzing through her. It wasn't the first time her mind had played these tricks on her, but she was never quite sure how she'd react when faced with them. Sometimes she snapped out of it...but sometimes...sometimes she wound up torturing herself in an inescapable land created by her own paranoia and fear.

_"I am here, I am alive, this is not real, this is trauma._

_I am here, I am alive, this is not real, this is trauma. _

_I am here, I am alive, this is not real, this is trauma." _

The black, soulless eyes bored into her whenever she dared to glance back up at her reflection and she muttered slowly, focusing on pronouncing each individual word as clearly and as confidently as she could. Since returning to America, Kensi had been plagued by all sorts of visions and nightmares. She'd worked out that sometimes, but only sometimes, she was able to calm her heart rate and slow her breathing by repeating the same sentence over and over.

Eventually, she spoke firmly with an air of feigned confidence, one last time. She chanced a speedy glance at the mirror and breathed a shaky sigh of relief as she was met by her own image once more. She saw herself, sweaty, exhausted and in desperate need of a shower, but she was there and she was alive.

She was safe once more, until next the time.

x-x-x-x

Kensi turned the shower on and made a point of turning the temperature up a couple of notches. She needed to cleanse herself of everything bad that had just happened and, as she stepped under the too-hot water, she forced her body to fight the impulse to escape. _This will help. I need this. _She thought to herself as she let the water cascade over her body, washing away the last fifteen minutes of hell.

As she reached for Deeks' shampoo, she reflected on her experiences to date since landing back on US soil. The scent of the shampoo was so familiar that it soothed her somewhat and she let her mind wander, allowing it to analyse all the 'Personal Hells' that her brain had forced her into so far. She was in no way an expert in psychology, but she knew what she was experiencing had a name. She knew what that name was and she knew, deep down, that she needed help. After all, she'd watched someone she'd loved go through the exact same thing. She also knew that she was an NCIS agent and, despite all the torment field agents go through, they do not, under any circumstances, allow themselves to fall victim to post traumatic stress disorder.

That's what it was. She knew it. She was experiencing PTSD.

She felt like a failure. As if these episodes of terror weren't exhausting enough, she lived with the shame that made her feel like she wasn't worthy of having the job, the friends, and the life she had built. She'd just broken down in front of Deeks, in front of the one person she wanted to impress, and now she wondered if he'd ever look at her the same way again.

With a heavy sigh, she finished up in the shower and stepped out into the cold air. She groped wildly for a towel as the goosebumps caused by the sudden change in temperature assaulted her body. Wrapping the giant towel around her body, she was grateful to see that the mirror was completely steamed up and she wouldn't have to face her reflection again just yet. She padded lightly to the bathroom door and stood for a second listening. It seemed quiet on the other side and, as she opened the door to peer through, she spotted Deeks and Monty in the other room, totally engrossed in something on the TV.

Now was her chance.

She snuck out of the bathroom, closing the door gently behind her, and tip toed back towards the bedroom. Gingerly she opened the door and stepped inside, turning around to face the door again so she could close it as quietly as possible. She grinned. She had successfully snuck through Deeks' apartment, almost totally naked, without him noticing. The thought made her giggle and she turned to face the bed that she'd once been sprawled completely naked in with Deeks on the night before she left. The very same bed she'd made him sleep in with her last night.

The bed had been made since this morning and a fresh change of clothes had been neatly laid out at the foot of the bed. Her smile broadened at the recognition of her favourite 'non work' Deeks t shirt - the one that really showed off just how muscular his arms really were and a pair of comfy sweatpants.

Kensi couldn't keep the smile from her face. Deeks was easily the most irritating and infuriating person she had ever met, but she was beginning to realise that he might also be the kindest and most generous man she'd ever met too.

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**A/N: Thanks so much to everyone who has left a review following the last chapter! You guys are seriously wonderful. :) I should perhaps apologise for all my UK spellings of words, but I have tried to use Americanisms when appropriate (sweatpants, not joggers...I had to Google it!) I hope you will all forgive me for it. Reviews are so lovely and helpful, so if you do have a minute spare after reading, please let me know what you think. Thanks!**


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